2017 – Year in joke Review
Readers have voted! Out of 763 topical news jokes I wrote and posted this year – following are the monthly favourites, according to your ‘likes’ and comments across social media.
Premises taken from headline news, covering everything from politics to entertainment with no particular agenda – except to find the funny. Hope you enjoy these jokes as much as I did writing them.
Thought 2016 had reached rock bottom? Well they had power tools … to keep on digging!
USA: 100-200 people are being held at airports. They are shown Tom Hank’s ‘The Terminal’ as procedural know-how.
‘Men aren’t told to look attractive at work’. Well maybe they should because some of them are real ugly.
Browned toast ‘potential cancer risk’. I’m toast!
Six handwritten letters from Princess Diana have sold for £15,100 at auction. Handwritten? What’s that?
Study says Girls feel ‘less talented’ by age of six. Until they learn they can create other humans.
Mental Health: ‘You’re not alone’. Of course we’re not alone. Look at Trump. #MentalAwareness
Vegetable rationing hits UK supermarkets. Salads a-dressing the issue.
Astronaut throws football ‘564,644 yards’. That’s one big throw for man, and a giant waste of time for mankind.
Pensioner incomes ‘outstrip those of working families’. Yuppie! More inheritance!
Nuclear bunker raid finds £1MM cannabis farm in Chilmark. When questioned, locals broke out in hysterical non-stop laughter.
Schools could cut ‘music’ amid funding squeeze amid a chorus of complaints.
Vatican at tech conference – ‘guilt’ to be made available online.
Schools should teach pupils how to spot ‘fake news’. Like when they told me ‘Study hard and you’ll succeed.
Lab made blood could solve shortage of some blood types. Vampires needed for quality control.
Sun cream may no longer be available in the NHS. Too many factors to consider.
Scientists say Britain split from Europe 450,000 years ago. Wow! Brexiteeers have been very patient.
The Walking Dead: Season 8 ‘will melt people’s minds’ It softened mine in season 1.
Violent end as young stars dramatically collide. When you wish upon a star … OK maybe not that one…
Mystery of why shoelaces come undone unraveled by scientists. Cause they’re not tight enough? Unraveled by me.
Navy SEALS say you should ‘test your will’ at least once a year. I ‘test my will’ every day at peak hour on the London tube.
Facebook denies targeting insecure users. As if there were any other kind. #Iaminsecure
And UK’s rich carry on making millions. In uncertain times it’s good to know something remains constant.
Rolling Stones to hit the road again. It’s unlikely they’ll sing ‘Time is On My Side’.
EUROVISION: proof life can get worse.
New Sex Doll engages in Small Talk. Versus talking about nuclear physics?
Ocado trials driverless delivery van. Customers said it was ‘friendlier’.
Facebook launches anti-hate scheme. They’re removing the angry emoticon.
Boys wear skirts in uniform protest. That showed some balls.
Scientists afraid Trump’s wall will destroy the desert. But just think of what it will do for graffiti artists.
The one law of robotics: Humans must flourish. That’s what they WOULD say wouldn’t they? #RobotsTakingOver
Coffee drinkers live longer. Exception: decaf drinkers who die of sadness. #CoffeeAddict
Frog evolution linked to asteroid strike. Ribbit-ing information!
Bank of England staff to go on strike due to low pay rise. You gotta give credit to them.
A remote Orkney island school is to lose its only pupil. Teachers are ecstatic. #TeachersRock
Female stars call on BBC ‘to sort gender pay gap now’. BBC responds with pregnant pause. #EqualPay
Theresa May ‘shed a tear’ at election exit poll. Just the one. You don’t want to go all ‘foreign’ on the electorate.
Would you get on a pilotless plane? Yes if it meant more leg room.
Giant pipes wash up on Norfolk beaches, improving the scenery immensely.
Very few girls took computing A-level. Preferring nuclear physics instead.
Plan to put UK workers first pot Brexit. Cherry picking?
Bookshop worker shortlisted for Booker Prize. And Charles Bukowski worked in a post office. There’s hope for me yet.
North Korea vows to complete nuclear plan. Because hurricanes, terrorist attacks and world hunger is not enough.
New Banksy works pop up in London. I drew a heart on my office desk. I got a warning. #LifesNotFair
Travel Company predicts Spanish holiday prices to rise. Well there’s always Margate.
Hugh Hefner dies aged 91. Proof that doing what stimulates you brings success.
Marriage may protect against dementia. Because you want to forget about it but you can’t.
Boys should be taught about periods too. Boys? Start with grown men.
World Cup 2030 joint bid: Argentina, Uruguay & Paraguay. Sneaky way of qualifying 3 teams at once?
Magic mushrooms help depressed brain. Just a small change to my ‘mushroom stuffed omelette’.
Stonehenge builders ‘ate food from Scotland’. No wonder they died off. #ILoveaScot
Pope admits he falls asleep while praying. So do 100% of us Catholics.
Trump in China: Trump asks if they’ve had problems with Mexicans too. #GreatWallChina
Catalonia Crisis reminds me of a Dali painting – clock ticking but no one understands what’s happening.
Council: headaches, coughs and colds ‘not reasons’ for school absence. And I thought my Catholic nun’s school was bad.
Sheep ‘can recognise human faces’. I wonder if they count us to fall asleep too.
Toys R Us prepares to shut 25 stores. Parents are crying! Tears of joy! #Christmas
New Year’s rail fare rise: the one thing that always runs to schedule.
Marks & Spencer to sell stone less avocados, leaving no avocado unturned.
Proof that Brits don’t feel the cold? Just saw yellow snow. #snowday
Does glass size matter to wine drinkers? Not when I drink from the bottle, no.
If Santa were real the RSPCA would be all over him. Oh deer. #ChristmasEve
Sonia Aste is a comedian who will keep on digging in 2018.