Author Archives: Sonia Aste

Turkey Trouble

Turkey Trouble

It’s November and that means Thanksgiving for Americans who have so much to be thankful for. Like NOT getting randomly shot, groped by their president or possibly nuked by North Korea. Although that last possibility has apparently diminished because little rocket man has morphed into a ‘great guy!’ 

On this side of the Atlantic many Brits will also celebrate the day, as it marks the plight of the Pilgrim Fathers who admittedly, were the first ‘Brexiteers’. Never mind they voted to leave the UK. In many ways the Mayflower crossing was similar to Brexit: costly, neverending and like UK politicians, many didn’t survive.

Politics aside, I’m a Thanksgiving fan! If the Pilgrim Fathers were running away from religious persecution, Thanksgiving gives us a chance to run away from ‘Health Gurus’ persecution and do what is innate in every human: PIG OUT! Oink, oink, burp, burp. 

My love for Thanksgiving started when I was a child and my family moved to upstate New York, to a town so close to the Canadian border that we were considered ‘exotically foreign’ and not ‘more immigrants’, like my cousins who had moved to the South. Canadian influence was so great no one thought ‘socialism’ was the end of the free world, as many crossed the border to get free medical care.

Thanksgiving Dinner was proof that we were fully integrated and living the American Dream. We felt like we were part of Norman Rockwell’s ‘Freedom from Want’ – except browner.

I still love that painting although today many claim it is not politically correct. There are reasons for this, of course. Let’s start with granny’s apron. It’s the feminist view that if grandma is wearing an apron so should Grandpa, who’s just stands there looking lost and doesn’t even try to help! You could argue he’s getting on a bit, but I have a sneaky suspicion he’s just had one too many.

Another offending theme is the lack of ‘Diversity and Inclusion’. Where are the African Americans, Asian Americans, Oriental Americans, Hispanic Americans, Native Americans, Aussie Americans, Portuguese Americans and Swedish Americans (who are, by the way, whiter!). My humble suggestion is to paint the UN assembly having Thanksgiving dinner, and add a couple of drag queens to be on the safe side. As for the LGBT community, they’re already in the painting but they would have been in the closet. It’s the 1940’s after all.

Let’ not forget the turkey itself. Animal rights groups want proof that the bird was free range and locally sourced from a humane turkey farmer, while Trump supporters only want white meat on the table. Trump only wants the breast.

Then there’s my American cousin Katie who celebrates Thanksgiving in a big way. I say big as she is a plus size model and ‘Yes’ she is going to eat four helpings because it’s her livelihood. Katie finds the painting very offensive as it does not show any ‘healthy size’ eaters.

Which leads me to the final point. The painting’s name: ‘Freedom from Want’. Well that’s a downright lie isn’t it? In today’s Western World a turkey, couple of celery sticks and a tiny jelly won’t feed a five year old. Perhaps change the name to ‘Freedom to Ask for More’ and add the following to the painting:

A vegetarian option. Let’s face it those celery sticks won’t fill the gap … where’s the kale?! Or better described as ‘that green stuff that tastes like newspaper’.

A vegan option (otherwise they’ll start with their martyr– no-one-understands-me tweets), not to mention they could chose to die of hunger at your home and no insurance covers that.

Add the whey free, gluten free, pineapple & peanut free, salt-free, sugar-free, lactose free, yolk free and free- of- anything else- I- have- missed options. You don’t want to be accused of discriminating dinners who are ‘Dietary Challenged’.

Oh! Don’t forget to add a couple dozen KYC super-size buckets for the ‘grease addicts’ like me.

I’m going to stop now … I’m starting to get hungry! But before I go I’ll leave you with my fail proof recipe for kale:

Dye an old newspaper with green food colouring. Dry thoroughly. Shred and serve it with celery. 

Fools them every time.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

——–

Sonia Aste is a writer, a comedian and loves Thanksgiving. Just don’t give her kale.