When I was asked to write a blog on ‘Achievements’, I thought, ‘Shouldn’t they get someone who has actually achieved something?’ Like the Dalia Lama, Bill Gates or … Andre Ortolf … you know the genius? The record holder for eating most Marmite? Read people! Read!
But then it dawned on me that these achievers might not be readily available. Me? I’m as available as Theresa May at a Tory single and mingle party.
Yes you’re stuck with me, which isn’t such a bad thing. Who better to lead you through the achievement maze than someone whose greatest achievement so far is ‘She tries hard’?
Besides, real achievers don’t talk about their achievements, because that’s boasting. They just write about what they’ve achieved and get loadsa money. That’s where we non-achievers come in. We buy THEIR books, go to THEIR conferences and are instrumental in helping them achieve (even more) financial security. Without us they would be a bunch of sad individuals looking in the mirror repeating ‘I am important, I am important’. Like I do every day.
The world needs losers … I mean non-achievers and by that I mean people that eat baked beans on toast for dinner on a regular basis. What it doesn’t need is over-achievers, also known as insufferable wankers. These are the people that have already achieved GREAT things in their lives, but want even more. For example, TV stars who already have fame and fortune but ALSO want to win MasterChef! How about giving someone else a chance? Like me? I could cook a paella while telling jokes …get exposure thank you very much. Selfish!
We can’t forget the post-mortem-achievers, like Vincent Van Gogh. He only sold 1 painting in his lifetime, despite cutting his ear off. Back then there was no pity/handicap guilt, or he would have sold everything.
Finally there’s the Achievers-Without-Really-Trying. Guys and gals born in Promotion-Ville with a fast-lane ride to the top. Case example is Larry (not his real name, which is Peter), our high school ‘stoner’. Never attended class and if he did it was in a drug induces haze. His T-shirt said ‘The Cocaine Leaf is Organic’. A total loser, right? Wrong! Today he’s head honcho in the World Health Organization. I took loads of drugs and was really good at it, where is my promotion?
Now you might, or might not be an achiever, although I suspect that if you have time to read this … you ain’t achieving much at the moment, but don’t worry help is at hand!
I am crowd funding for the Slow Achievement Movement #SlowAchievement specially designed for the likes of us (although I keep the money). Similar to the Slow Food and Slow Life philosophies, Slow Achievement focuses on making sure you take a loooong time accomplishing your goals with no guarantee you’ll actually achieve them.
First step is to give up the following stupid motivational quotes that lead to nothing but stress and unhappiness.
- Get out of your comfort zone
#SlowAchievement believe life will force you into all kinds of uncomfortable zones … why actively seek more? The Jubilee line at peak hour (actually, any line at peak hour), the elevator infested with BO, the elevator with the individual that infests it with BO, the Yoga teacher that thinks he’s God, stepping on dog from your own dog … the list is endless!
2. Just Do It
This dangerous quote is said to be responsible for many Everest deaths, not to mention most unwanted pregnancies. #SlowAchievement believes in the opposite: For Christ’s sake Don’t Do It! If you do, make sure you have mountaineering experience and/or wear protection.
- Push yourself past your limit
A very irresponsible message that must be stopped immediately. People have been pushing past their limit for decades and our society is getting fatter and fatter. #SlowAchievement recommends staying within the limit and you’ll reach a healthier weight in no time.
Walt Disney’s famous words were ‘If you can dream it you can achieve it’. So sad he never got to see the 5 hour queues and families fainting from heat stroke.
Slow achievers we dream big! That’s why we sleep a lot. Now … I’m taking a siesta.
Sonia Aste is a writer and comedian who has given herself a thousand years to make it.