Combating Global Greta-Guilt

Combating Global Greta-Guilt

Survival of the Hottest

No, I don’t mean surviving your summer fling with that hottie in Ibiza. I’m talking about global warming. That bleak future Greta Thunberg says is all MY fault. Or YOUR fault if you were born in an age when it was normal and acceptable for babies’ first words to be ‘Dada’ or ‘Mama’, instead of ‘Gender Neutral Parent or Guardian’.

Greta’s generation blame us not only for ruining the planet, but for not sticking around to fix it (due to our very real expiry date). We’re like those investment bankers that got out just before the crash. Oooops, we WERE those bankers!

No wonder the typical millennial is as mad as a hornet and as busy as a bee combating climate change. Ominously, thanks to global warming these insects will disappear making way for others that will thrive in the sweltering, garbage induced  future that awaits. For the record, I’ve started doing my bit, but there are many flies in the ointment.

Every week I place all bottles in the ‘recycle glass thingy’, bringing on a case of ECO-ANGST (am I doing enough?) coupled with ANXIETY-ANGST (am I on the verge of alcoholism?).

To reduce my carbon footprint, I went to Cornwall for my holidays. The sea was so cold I had to buy a wetsuit, which is bad for the environment as it has the shelf life of plutonium.

Seeking a more environmentally friendly life, I now bake my own bread! Never mind the bread making apparatus uses more energy than a body builder on ‘roids’. Hey, I’m trying.

Finally, I wash and dry yogurt containers before throwing them in the ‘recycle plasticky thingy’. I have yet to follow ECO-suggestions to use old yogurt containers as drinking cups. There’s only so much a non-heroic kind of person like me is prepared to do. 

Anyway, it’s not working. In fact it’s getting worse! Things are so bad even schoolchildren are now participating in Climate Change Protests/Glorified Truancy Marches.

Maybe it’s time to admit we’ve lost. Who is seriously going to go back to cloth diapers (yuck)? Horse hair toothbrushes (gross)? Do you really think banks will switch to wooden credit cards? Even if they did … wouldn’t that destroy the Amazon even more and get Sting all riled up again?

If the ultimate goal is survival, shouldn’t we be preparing for the future instead of wasting ‘energy’ complaining? It was Darwin that said, ‘It’s not the strongest of the species that survives, but the one most adaptable to change’. It was my grandmother that said, ‘Before the floods arrive, buy a boat’.

So that’s my first bit of advice. Buy a houseboat. Previously home to hippies and convicts on the run, these slightly smelly habitats will soon be privy to the rich and famous. As the sea levels rise, this real estate property will keep you afloat. Alternatively, become a Sherpa. Mount Everest will be the last habitable place on earth, so you want to apply for the job now before CV’s start ‘flooding’ in.

As for sports, ditch the ski gear (makes me look like an overstuffed pillow anyway) and take up water sports! Surfing to be precise. Experts predict the melting down of polar ice caps will produce massive waves in unexpected places. Think Hawaii Five O – in Manchester! Surfing safari in Doncaster! Swim in Cornwall without getting frostbite! Shark attacks will be a thing of the past as all sea life will die, replaced by schools of plastic diapers. Maybe wear that wetsuit after all.

If you’re light-skinned it’s time to stock up on factor 8000 and wear cataract sunglasses. The sun’s heat will fry your skin like pork scratchings and burn your skimpy eyelashes to a crisp. For us Mediterraneans, factor 2 will suffice, (5 if you want to be extra careful). 

This is the future ladies and gentlemen! A yellowy, grainy, polluted atmosphere awaits us all. It will be like living in an old 1970’s movie, but without a happy ending.

So, if you have any ‘energy’ left after reading this, DO SOMETHING! Write to your MP! Write to the UN! Write to the Wizard of OZ! (Stop Heathrow runway while you’re at it!)

I for one have stepped it up a notch and will use my yogurt containers after all … as GIN & TONIC popsicle molds! Perfect for saving the planet while combating Global Greta-Guilt. Skål! 

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Gin & Tonic Popsicles: Mix 3 cups tonic, 1 cup gin and juice of 1 lime. Pour into empty, washed yogurt containers. Freeze overnight. 

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