It’s been a Long Winter
I hate winter. It reminds me of a bad movie sequel. You keep thinking ‘Surely it has to get better?’ but it doesn’t. It just goes on and on, leaving you hopelessly angry and annoyed.
My mom says that since moving to the UK I’ve become a miserable person. I respond ‘You have to adapt to the culture, everybody in London is like this!’
Nawww … I don’t say that. I don’t have the courage to answer back. That would be like picking a fight with Putin, and trust me my mom’s nerve poison is much worse.
She continues ‘You’ll end up ¡Sola!… !SOLA!’ (single) I want to shout ‘I’m not SOLA! I have a boyfriend that refuses to marry me! It’s different!’ But I don’t.
Instead, I meekly answer ‘You‘re right mother. I’ll try to be happy’.
So here’s my attempt at the ‘glass half full’, PMA (positive mental attitude – not to be confused with PMS), bright side of life (two hours a day in winter), don’t sweat the small stuff (can’t sweat – it’s freezing).
Let’s start with the cold front from Siberia which arrived in March. ‘To Russia with Love’ for sending us such beautiful white snow! The pipes froze and we had no water for five days! And the boiler broke down too! Eat your heart out Inca Trail! Who needs adventure tourism when you can enjoy a near-death experience in the comfort of your own home? What a great opportunity to practice my Bear Grylls’ survival techniques (not bathing in 5 days) AND my communication skills with the Boiler Repair Man:
‘Uhhh … it’s not working.’
Boiler Man quickly fixed it and left in a hurry. I don’t blame him – by this time my BO had reached ‘fifth day in Glastonbury festival’ proportions. On the bright side if it hadn’t been for my bad odour, he probably would have wanted a cup of tea and a chat. Thank you winter!
Then I got an eye infection! Fantastic occasion to visit the NHS where flu viruses are kept and handed out for free! I was so grateful for the sneezes, coughs and mucus laden patients … even the GP was sniffling! What an amazing opportunity to build up my immune system! Humans are so inventive! Like using our hands as tissues!
I’m happy to say immune system fought a good fight but the flu won the battle. The important thing is my immune system TRIED! Plus I got to go back to the NHS where I humbly contributed my own flu virus. It’s good to give.
Around the time the flu was killing me the snow suddenly stopped… hurray! … and everything melted into a brown slush providing us with more wonderful weather alerts:
RED ALERT: ‘FLOOD WARNING’ Be ready to move valuable object upstairs. Well isn’t it lucky that I don’t have any valuable objects?
Be prepared to evacuate your home. How are we supposed to evacuate if the ground floor is flooded? Joy of joys a Roof Top Rescue! Like you see on TV! I’ve always dreamed of riding in a helicopter!
As floods rose to giant wave surfer’s paradise (two surfers died … so much for ‘ride your own wave’) the BBC kept us informed with a double whammy:
9:00 pm ‘Japan’s Tsunami Caught on Camera’
10:20 pm ‘Japan’s Tsunami: How it Happened’
Two hours of flooding and tidal waving disaster facts! It’s good to be prepared.
Eventually RED ALERT turned to
AMBER ALERT: Be aware of possible bad weather. Duh … we live in the UK! These weather people are so funny!
And just when the sun was trying to tiptoe its way in … life is so unexpected! Full of delightful surprises! Two days before spring’s official arrival (21st of March) it snowed again!
That day the glass wasn’t just half full – I filled it to the brim. With vodka. Because guess what? Vodka doesn’t freeze.
Note: vodka freezes at -24 C. If you’re in those type of conditions, look at the bright side and have a vodka slushy!
Sonia Aste is a writer & comedian who hates winter but tries to be happy.