Love Me, Love my Blog

Love Me, Love my Blog

It’s Valentine’s Day. Millions of couples are celebrating their love for one another – and millions of Hallmark sales reps are celebrating their commissions. I’ve heard flower shops rake in their biggest yearly profit, only surpassed by Christmas and Pet Day (April 11th). 

The whole thing is a grossly commercialized marketing ploy, aimed at poor souls who think that buying and receiving gifts is a kind of ‘love insurance’. It’s a disgraceful manipulation of insecure imbeciles.

Like me. 

C’mon folks – what’s wrong with a little self-delusion? What’s wrong with thinking that love is like an Oyster card that can be ‘topped up’ on Valentine’s Day? A little credit so you don’t go ‘contactless’?

Is it so bad to ask ‘The Boyfriend’ (yes, he exists) for the card, flowers and chocolates? Of course, the chocolates will grow old and mouldy, as I’m too terrified of getting fat and my boyfriend leaving me. Insecure? You bet. I need Valentine’s Day.

I’m not alone. Studies show that in the run-up to Valentine’s our mating rituals go ballistic. Dating profiles are desperately updated:

NOT CHOOSY

SO MUCH EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE I COULD BE A PORTER

Anyone BREATHING

Speed Dating breaks sound barriers by skipping stupid introductions and going for the very efficient: ‘Will you love me? Yes or no’. Talk about hard gigs.

Singletons suffer from bleeding fingertips due to so much swiping and even ‘I HATE MEETUPS’ is over-subscribed.

Many don’t agree with just having the one day. They want to say ‘I love you’ all year and give presents whenever their heart feels like it. Truth be told if ‘The Boyfriend’ said ‘I love you’ constantly and sent flowers at random I’d be suspicious. My uncle Antonio gave my aunt Carmen diamond earrings on a non-specific day saying ‘I don’t need a date to celebrate our love’. Ten years later we find out he has another family in Burgos and ‘her’ diamond earrings are bigger. Just stick to Valentine’s Day thank you very much.

Others think that St. Valentine is too ‘lovey-dovey’, and that real love is ‘tough, enduring and hard work’. They have a point. Take couples who’ve survived the 7 year ‘ditch’ or who have secretly detested one another … until death did them part?

This is why I suggest a ‘St. Daniel’s Day’ – patron saint of courage, fortitude and hard work. Card messages would reveal the less perfect side of love & relationships:

‘From bedroom eyes to to ‘I’ve got conjunctivitis can you help me with the drops? I still love you’

‘Even if the only cries of YES! YES! YES! is while playing scrabble, I love you’

‘For watching me go through food poisoning and hugging a toilet all day … then still wanting me, I love you’

‘I love you – even if you’re night cream routine takes three hours and by the time you get to bed all passion has passed’

In Madrid’s Almudena Cemetery there is a tombstone that reads the most radical of messages for my new St. Daniel’s Day:

Nunca Olvidado, Nunca Perdonado

(Never Forgotten, Never Forgiven)

——

Sonia Aste is a comedian who loves Valentine’s Day, hearts and all.

 

5 Responses to Love Me, Love my Blog

  1. St Daniel’s Day – Bring it on! But why not call it St Sonia’s Day? This is a lovey read.

    Longterm relationships ARE tough, as Rodney Dangerfield once said, #My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met”.

  2. I love your post re valentines day. I was away for a few days and for the first time for many years bought my girlfriend a gift. A pyramind crystal for valentines day (I had to think long and hard before I handed over my £11.95) She opened it and looked at it, turned it over to see if it did anything special like a snow globe would, then asked ‘what does it do?’ I could not answer that because there were no instructions in the fancy box it came in but ‘I think it changes colours when light touches it. ‘Oh’ she replied. We have agreed that it can live on the mantel piece until Feb 15th. AND THIS IS WHY ON VALENTINES DAY WE ALWAYS BUY GIFTS FOR OURSELVES and everyone is happy.

  3. Love it! Yes, what IS wrong with a little self-delusion. Whatever works in this wacky world where made up holidays manufacture pressure, stress and perhaps worst of all the phase ‘we don’t celebrate because for us, every day is valentine’s day’

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