Author Archives: Sonia Aste

Lockdown: Guide to #StayHomeStaySANE

Lockdown: Guide to #StayHomeStaySANE

Keep Calm and Corona On

As we wave goodbye to a facemask-free summer, I feel like my debit card, contact-less and reaching the limit. In fact, this lockdown reminds me of my first marriage, after eight weeks I want out! 

To make matters worse I suffer from ‘Corona Guilt’, thanks to all the heroes out there! They’re all over social media, ‘This week I delivered thousands of food parcels’ or, ‘I’ve made hundreds of face masks in my shed.’ Me? This week I made a new salad dressing.

But I’m not here to moan and groan, I’ll leave that Greta Thunberg who’s an expert. No, I’m here to give advice on how to #StayHomeStaySane, because days have many hours and you can’t spend them all on a Ferrero Rocher 42 box binge like I did. Trust me it’s a choco-hangover nightmare.  

So let’s explore some simple pastimes that can be done in the comfort of your own home (because you can’t go anywhere else). Why not start with with my favourite Creative Corona Craft: The BUBBLE WRAP WARP? All you have to do is take a large piece of bubble wrap and pop the bubbles one by one while staring into space. Endless hours of entertainment! 

Alternatively, get out of your comfort zone and take up paper shredding! It can be a little daunting at first but once you have mastered the technique it’s extremely rewarding. Don’t worry if you run out of paper, my trick is to shred the same bits of paper again and again and again! Hours and hours of good wholesome fun!

Keeping a journal is another way to pass the time while showing your gratitude for life. Here’s my last entry, ‘Dear diary, life is so exiting! Yesterday I woke up, had breakfast, lunch, dinner and went to bed. Today I woke up, had breakfast, lunch, dinner and went to bed. Tomorrow … I can’t wait for tomorrow!’

Don’t worry if you’re not that daring or adventurous, it’s time to start a collection! I’ve started a collection of dust mice under the bed. Like all rodents they breed very quickly and all I have to do is observe with joy as my furry collection grows and grows! Best of all, I get to keep it post-lockdown!

With days getting longer and providing more natural light, there isn’t a better time to take up reading. I’ve plunged into some of the Nobel prize winning authors I never had time for, although staying away from some titles like, ‘The Plague’ (Albert Camus), ‘A Hundred Years of Solitude’ (Garcia Márquez) and ‘As I lay dying’ (William Faulkner). Maybe leave those for when things pick up a little.

Why stop with reading other people’s works? Take that courageous step and write your own novel! There are so many books that need to be written:

‘Feel the Fear and … Don’t Go Out’

‘The ONE Habit of Very Successful People: Stay Alive’

‘I Can Make You … Ill’ (a chronicle from Corona’s point of view) 

None of these suggestions appeals to you? Well you won’t be bored with board games! Dare to think outside the board and change the rules! Let your imagination roll … the dice! 

Take Monopoly, the ultimate capitalist game, I steal all the bank’s money, buy all the properties and put up NHS hospitals. You can bank on it becoming a fairer game.   

Next on the list is chess, an unapologetic royalist game. I do away with king, queen and clergy and give power to the pawns! I call it GAME OF PAWNS.

One game you want to avoid is Dominoes, because you need four players and with the virus it could have a domino effect. 

Hate stupid puns? Learn to juggle! Your finances!

Dear readers: English is my second language so I am very proud of my puns. Please pun up with them.

Finally, it’s time to reconnect with friends from around the world that you might have neglected! I now share my time with Russian Vodka, Jamaican Rum and my favourite Mexican Tequila! All guilt free! Because for the first time EVER, doctors say that it’s healthier for you to drink ALONE!

Keep Calm and Corona on.

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Sonia Aste is a writer and a comedian who will be giving BUBBLE WRAP WARP WORKSHOPS until the lock down ends.