A Valentine’s Tribute to our Pooches
What do you call a world without dogs? A Cat- astrophe! Ha! Ha! Ha! I love this joke and laugh every time. Until I think about it and then it’s not so funny. Imagine a world full of cat owners? They can be so … catty! Double Ha! Ha! Ha!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen it’s the Annual Dog Blog! So, if you’re a cat lover you might want to stop reading and go work on your self-esteem, because as sure as hell your kitty ain’t gonna give it to you. It’s a well-known fact a cat’s main mission in life is to erode your self-worth with floods of rejection.
It’s no joke. Last year a study found that dogs’ eyes evolved to appeal to humans. There’s another study (mine) that reveals cats’ eyes evolved to … judge you. And always find you wanting. Now I’ve been rejected by many people, the last thing I need is to be shunned by an animal.
That’s why I love dogs! Dogs are life’s answer to my lack of self-esteem. Forget stupid advice about ‘having a positive attitude’ or ‘focusing on your achievements’. Sounds like a lot of work for one futile, pointless lifetime.
In contrast, a dog will INSTANTLY make you feel like you are the SUPER-SPECIAL-MOST-IMPORTANT-HUMAN-BEING-IN-THE-UNIVERSE. No ifs, no buts and I don’t even have to ‘embrace my inner love’ or any of that idiotic malarkey. Just dangle the keys in front of your pooch and it turns into American Cheerleader:
TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT!
WHO DO WE APPRECIATE?
THE HUMAN! THE HUMAN! YEAH! THE HUMAN!
Cats on the other hand (no offence), cats are French. Show them the keys and they look at you as if to say, ‘I’ll show myself out. It’s called a catflap you imbecile’.
Now I come from a long line of dog lovers. Ever heard of ‘White Privilege’? Well, that’s dog poo compared to my family’s practice of ‘Dog Privilege’. For example, last Christmas my Dad’s Labrador got a silver-plated collar! I got Boots shower gel.
It doesn’t stop there. As Catholics we pray to St. Rocco, the Patron Saint of Dogs, ‘Bless our dogs and deliver us from temptation of ever having a cat’. Ever heard of a patron saint for cats? No. Because cats aren’t Catholic. They have all these lives? We suspect they might be Hindu.
Before you judge me as a ‘catist’, someone who believes a particular animal species (dogs) is superior to another (cats), let me tell you about my dog Maki.
Maki is a wise and wonderful ‘Water Dog’, a breed affectionately known as ‘The King of Dreadlocks’. Water Dogs became popular in the Obama administration, as the official ‘White House Dog’ and making history as the first democratically elected Rastafari!
Dog-whistle politics aside, Water dogs need a lot of space. The White House Lawn is perfect, my tiny flat in London is not. So, my Mum comes over, she looks at me, looks at the dog and says, ‘Ever since you come to the London, you have become a miserable person!’
I reply, ‘Mum you have to adapt to the culture. Everyone is like this!’
She’s not laughing. ‘I don’t care about you; I care about the dog! It belongs in the ‘caserio’ (a big farmhouse), I’m taking the dog back!’ I protest, ‘You can’t do that! It’s MY dog, MY life, MY decision!’
The dog’s back in Spain. But he’s happy. Herding, hunting and enjoying life. Because dogs need to work. Hence the phrase ‘working dog’. Ever heard of a WORKING CAT? No. They’re French. They are permanently on strike.
Finally, with ‘leaving the EU’ done, let’s talk about Brexit.
I might be barking up the wrong tree but don’t you think the results would have been different if the referendum had included dogs? Imagine if they said, ‘German shepherds, French Poodles, Spanish Mastiffs – they all have to go back to where they came from!’
Even the most die-hard Brexiter would have changed his mind and voted for the more compassionate dog command: ‘STAY’.
Cat people still reading this? Time to get a dog.
Sonia Aste is a writer, a comedian and a dog lover.