Evaluating St. Valentine’s Day
It’s Valentine’s Day! Millions of couples are celebrating their love for one another – and millions of Hallmark sales reps are celebrating their commissions. I’ve heard flower shops rake in their biggest yearly profit, only surpassed by Christmas and Pet Day (April 11th).
The whole thing is a grossly commercialized marketing ploy, aimed at poor souls who think that buying and receiving gifts is a kind of ‘love insurance’. It’s a disgraceful manipulation of insecure imbeciles.
C’mon folks, what’s wrong with a little self-delusion? What’s wrong with thinking that love is like an Oyster card that can be ‘topped up’ on Valentine’s Day? A little credit so you don’t go ‘contactless’?
Is it so bad to ask ‘The Boyfriend’ (yes, he exists) for the card, flowers and chocolates? Of course, the chocolates will grow old and mouldy, as I’m too terrified of getting fatter and The Boyfriend leaving me. Insecure? You bet. I need Valentine’s Day!
I’m not alone. Studies show that in the run-up to Valentine’s our mating rituals go into a fast-forward- frenzy and dating profiles are desperately updated:
Sense of humour turned to sense of urgency
Speed Dating breaks the sound barrier by skipping stupid introductions and going for the very efficient, ‘Will you love me? Yes or no’. Talk about hard gigs.
Singletons suffer from bleeding fingertips due to so much swiping and servers crash as thousands log into ‘Lastminute-Date-Com’.
Many don’t agree with having just one day. They want to say ‘I love you’ all year and give presents whenever their heart feels like it. Truth be told if The Boyfriend said, ‘I love you’ constantly and sent flowers at random I’d be suspicious. My uncle Antonio gave my aunt Carmen diamond earrings on a non-specific day saying ‘I don’t need a date to celebrate our love’. Ten years later we find out he has another family in Burgos and ‘her’ diamond earrings are bigger. Just stick to Valentine’s Day thank you very much.
Others think that St. Valentine is too sugary sweet and that real love is tough, enduring and hard work. They have a point. Take The Boyfriend and I. We spent lockdown together and after a couple of weeks, ‘couples time’ felt like we were doing time. Or my first mar ridge, which was like the pandemic. I kept thinking, ‘It’s gonna get better, it’s gonna get better’… it never did.
This is why I suggest a ‘St. Daniel’s Day’, the patron saint of courage, fortitude and hard work. Card messages would reveal the less perfect side of love & relationships:
From bedroom eyes to to ‘I’ve got conjunctivitis can you help me with the drops?’ Be my Valentine.
Even if the only cries of YES! YES! YES! is while playing scrabble, I still love you.
For watching me go through food poisoning and hugging a toilet all day … then still wanting me, I love you.
And why stop there? Why not have a lovey-dovey day for us comedians? After all, if there is one group of people who desperately need love and attention, it’s us fools. Why else would we go on stage in front of complete strangers and try to make them laugh? We take the word needy to a needier level.
Plus, having been brought up a Catholic, I happen to know our saints are like flowers, there’s one for every occasion!
Bring on Saint Lawrence (AD 225) , patron saint of comedians and poor people (in most cases we fit both criteria). He is among the saints mentioned in the First Eucharist Prayer at Mass, Catholic lingo for BIG MAN ON CAMPUS.
Saint Lawrence Day would provide an outlet to express our love in a ‘comedian-like-way’. Hallmark cards would be filled with messages like:
It’s no joke, I love you!
I’ve caught the love bug and you’re my Happiness Booster!
The crowd’s laughter is nothing compared to our love. OK, maybe a little bit.
Well, it’s time to LOVE you and leave you, but not before confessing the St. Lawrence Day message I would send to ‘The Boyfriend’:
For laughing at my jokes, even if they’re not funny. I love you.
Sonia Aste is an engineer, writer and comedian who needs Valentine’s Day.
Published by Toastmasters International UK & Ireland
Published by Riverside Communicators Club