I Can Make You Cool
Top Tips for Hot Heatwaves
The heatwave is over and I couldn’t be happier! I was sick of hearing myself say, ‘It’s unbearably HOT!’, when all through winter it was a constant complaint of, ‘It’s unbearably COLD’. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my life is one long whining moan. On the bright side, I’m finally adapting to the British way of life.
This year the UK temperatures pushed us to the brink of boiling madness! What ever happened to the ‘whispering winds of the Dorset countryside’? Or ‘the soft summer breeze of the Cornish Coast’? It’s all been replaced by conditions of a sadistic, sweltering, simmering swamp!
Nobody was prepared. We were even less prepared to see middle aged Caucasian men discard their shirts and bare their nipples. Please, have compassion for your fellow humans and cover yourself up. Your blinding whiteness is ruining my retina!
That’s what I tell my partner, who’s Scottish. The type that doesn’t have so much freckles, as he’s one giant freckle with small white spots. Bless him. Despite slathering on every Factor 50 known to man, he still ends up looking like RED LOBSTER’S poster boy.
I don’t have a problem with heat thanks to my dark, olive, Mediterranean skin. That’s not racism folks, that’s genetics, Darwinian evolution, survival of the fittest. What are white skin people doing under the sun anyway? That’s like me rolling around naked in the snow and expecting it to be ‘exhilarating ‘. That’s for genetically evolved ‘snow people’, think Swedish, Finish and Norwegianish.
It’s a sad state of affairs that because of COVID-19, I have not been to Spain and experienced REAL HEAT. Early on in summer my mom warned me, ‘Do not come. You could bring the UK virus. We love you but not that much’. I have to admit this was a little disturbing, not least because of the overwhelming realization the virus has nationalities.
On the plus side, my family hasn’t come to visit me either, and with 63 first cousins (yes, you read that correctly), that’s a HUGE risk! On my sanity.
Every summer they come to London, stay at my house … treat it like an Airbnb, except they call Air FREE of FEE.
I end up lending them money, which turns out to be a terrible mistake. You lend money to my cousins and there’s only one chance of getting it back and that’s if you steal it back. And it’s not like they’re grateful, as oftentimes I have heard them whisper, ‘She lives in London! She can afford it’. When I try to explain that I do comedy, they look at each other and say, ‘Comedy? Like Chris Rock? I told you she has money … ask her for more’.
Alas! Family time can sometimes feel like I’m doing time.
I also don’t miss going to Madrid (my home town) in the month of August, as temperatures can reach up to forty-six degrees. Makes the UK heatwave look like an igloo.
August in Madrid is so hot it’s rumored the devil wants to move there. Save on energy bills. You hear people from Arizona say, ‘It’s so hot here we can fry an egg on the sidewalk’. So what? In Madrid we’re cooking whole paellas!
It’s so bad people put ice-cubes down their backs, which can be spine chilling. It’s the only place on earth where ‘hot sex’ can kill. Madrid in August has always been a climate emergency, way before the birth of lovely Miss Greta.
Having spent many summers in Madrid I consider myself a bit of an expert on ‘keeping cool’. Following are my Top Tips for Hot Heatwaves:
- Can’t seem to stay cool in a facemask? Go to Tesco’s frozen vegetable section. You’ll be as cool as a cucumber.
- Better yet, freeze your facemask! So refreshing it goes beyond words.
- Why stop there? Refrigerate your clothes – don’t worry if you get a cold reception.
- Don’t have a fan? Use your hair dryer on ‘COLD’ … not just a lot of hot air.
- Finally, head for the Spanish coast, no need to quarantine, just fly back from Gibraltar. That’s not cheating … it’s geography.
Sonia Aste is an engineer, a writer and a comedian that can take the heat.
English is her second language so she is very proud of her puns.