Lockdown: A Christmas Carol
How’s your Christmas looking? If it’s full of sparkle and joy, please stop reading this and go back to singing Mariah Carey’s, ♫ All I want for Xmas is youuuuu …♫
If, on the other hand, you’re muttering, ♫All I want for Xmas is you … to self-isolate if you have symptoms ♫ this blog is for you! I aim to provide top, tinselly tips, so even the die-hard scrooges out there can have a Merry Christmas!
Let’s face it, it’s been a tough year. We’ve had the pandemic (on going), Brexit (on going) and social distancing (all but forgotten). We’ve suffered those lengthy, lethargic lockdowns … first lockdown was like my first marriage, after three weeks I wanted out! The second lockdown reminded me of my second honeymoon; been there, done that, just want it over and done with.
Luckily the 2nd lockdown has ended and all we need to do is follow the Tier System, which is not rocket science, because it’s not based on science. Whether you’re a facemask wearer or a facemask defector, one thing we can all agree on is that this festive season has some issues.
Let’s start with Rudolph, Rudolph the red nose reindeer? I hope he’s getting tested! Especially since it’s such a long flight.
Then there’s the two-meter rule (or was it one?), whatever. Because of this Santa’s grottos have been cancelled and are now taking place via zoom. As if it wasn’t it creepy enough when you could see his whole outfit?
Not that kids care anymore. Most of them pretend to believe in Santa so their parents won’t start crying. You tell a kid, ‘Be good or Santa won’t bring you anything’, they’ll answer, ‘I’ve already ordered it through Amazon’.
Nothing is sacred! Remember those captivating Christmas carols we used to sing? Well millennials claim they’re as outdated as sending Hallmark cards (which, BTW, destroy the other Amazon).
Take, ♫ Frosty the Snowman, was a very happy guy! ♫ Today he’s having a major meltdown due to global warming.
Or, ♫ We Three Kings of Orient are, following a yonder star ♫ Following a star? For goodness sakes guys, wise-up and get a satnav.
As for Justin Bieber’s ♫ Mistletoe♫ It’s going to be banned. Too many unwanted kisses. #MistleToo
If this sounds a bit un-Christmassy, I apologize because there’s more. Mainly the ‘virus’, which this year was voted number one ‘Christmas Downer’, along with the smell of Brussel sprouts (before and after eating).
But they say the last thing you should lose is hope (and your undies at the office party), so I’ve done some research and have great news! It turns out it’s possible to avoid catching the virus and still enjoy our Christmas traditions. Start by washing your hands to Handle’s Messiah (2 – 3 hours), music to NHS ears! Next, get the ‘Self-Isolating Advent Calendar’, it’s 14 windows and on the 15th you open your door. Finally, make sure you’re eating Sainsbury’s brand, ‘Taste the Difference’, and if you can’t, go get tested.
Precautions taken, it’s time to take the reindeer by the horns and enjoy what this festive season has to offer!
Topping the list is travel. Or lack of. Scottish boyfriend and I were planning to spend Christmas with his family. Now, instead of 9 ½ hours to drive there, it’s 9 ½ seconds to zoom in! I’ll drink (heavily) to that!
Plus, no need to buy presents. Climate change has made it OK to recycle gifts! I’ve been doing it for years. In fact, my family has been passing around a Ferrero Rocher box for decades.
Not that I’ll be able to see my family, which is a real pity. On the other hand, I won’t have to listen to my goody-two-shoes-sister saying, ‘Haven’t you had enough?’. No, I haven’t. Not by a long shot.
Because if there’s one year when nobody should feel guilty about indulging in Christmas excesses, it’s certainly this one.
With that in mind, I raise my glass and leave you with my favorite (edited) Christmas carol.
♫ Do you see what I see? A star! A star! Dancing through the night, it’s the alcohol I’m drunk as a skink! It’s the alcohol I’m drunk as a skunk! ♫
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Sonia Aste is an engineer/ writer who loves Xmas excesses.
Article published by Riverside Toastmasters International Newsletter.