May Day! May Day!
When did themed days become as common as a common noun?
Have you noticed? Our annual calendar is as crowded as a Benidorm beach in July. I’m talking about themed days, which seemed to have reproduced faster than a rabbit farm on crystal meth.
Take the month of May. When I was a child (about ten years ago) there were only two important days to remember: May 1st, International Workers Day (the remaining 364 days are for the capitalist shareholders). My left-wing uncles would hum ‘The International’ and swap stories about their struggle for the forty-hour week and fair pay. Funny how today I struggle for ANY ‘hour week’ and ANY pay. We’ve come so far!
The second sacrosanct day was (and still is) May 10th, my Mom’s birthday. Trust me you don’t want to forget that, or you won’t be singing ‘The International’, just Mozart’s ‘Requiem’.
Now I can understand ‘Red Cross Day’ or ‘UN Peacekeepers Day’ honouring our calendar, but what kind of person thought ‘Candied Orange Peel Day’ merited the same importance?
Someone like me! Whose sweet tooth is bigger than a crocodile’s and just as vicious if you eat my Krispy Kreme donut!
There’s no sugar coating it. May is a smorgasbord of fatty unhealth, including Nutty Fudge, Chocolate Chip Cookie, Butterscotch Brownie, Apple Pie, Coconut Cream Pie, Raspberry Tart and Blueberry Cheesecake Day, among others. This sugar rush is enough to send anyone into a diabetic coma (and possible death), conveniently covered with ‘Life Insurance Day’ (May 2nd).
It doesn’t stop there. Sponsored by ‘No Diet Day’ and ‘Eat What You Want Day’ the sweet binge continues with Devils’ Food Cake, Crêpes Suzette, Vanilla Custard, Macaroon and finally Taffy Day. Yes taffy. Stuff powerful enough to remove a molar without a visit to your dentist. Perhaps that’s why someone (a dental hygienist most likely) felt the need to warn us with ‘Root Canal Appreciation Day’ (May 11th). Party pooper!
Luckily, there’s no ruining May’s party. It is by far the most hedonistic, pleasure-seeking, over indulgent month of the year. Starting with Lei Dei (also known as fertility day … hint, hint) there’s enough booze and dubious activities to turn a quiet garden party in Surrey into a rampant Woodstock festival, nakedness included.
Kicking off with World Naked Gardening Day, allotments suddenly turn into tourist spots, giving a whole different meaning to ‘wildlife watch’. To lift your spirits (among other things) there’s Cocktail Day, Beer, Whisky and Homebrew Day (for the ‘hardened’ enthusiast). Posher crowds can jolly-ho with Wine Day, Sauvignon Blanc or Chardonnay Day. Although I think all plummy posh-ness vanishes when showing off your shrubs.
Not a gardener? Don’t worry! Take advantage of ‘No Pants Day’ and enjoy ‘Outdoor Intercourse Day’! If you live in the UK make sure to check the weather. You don’t want it to ‘hail on your parade’ or frostbite your favourite bits, which would lead to ‘End of the World Day’ (May 21st).
Despite having ‘Laughter Day’, there’s some serious stuff too! Most notably ‘Lost Sock Memorial Day’, a tragedy which can hit us at any moment. It’s that horrible feeling of loss when the sock that can no longer stand it’s partner abandons home without warning.
What to do? Well you can turn ‘No Socks Day’ into a daily event, or maybe just honour ‘Clean Your Room Day’. You might find the sock has not left home at all … it just needed some space … behind the tumble dryer.
To help with this, I am developing a ‘Sock it to me Tinder’ App which will soon hit the market. Containing detailed photos and description of all the single socks in the world, you will be able to swipe right for a match. I’m currently waiting for a themed date for the application.
In May the fun never ends! From ‘Wear Two Coloured Shoes Day’ (celebrating the colour blind), to ‘Word Password Day’ (honouring … I forget) and my personal favourite ‘Put a Pillow in Your Fridge Day’, for that frosty pillow talk we all inevitably have.
My favourite day (of course!) is May 10th, my Mom’s birthday, which also happens to be my parents’ anniversary AND Mother’s Day in many Spanish speaking countries. This year I can’t be with her, but that’s what ‘Global Love Day’ is for, to reach across the waters and continents.
Happy Birthday Mom, Happy Mother’s Day and Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Love you loads.
Sonia Aste is a writer and comedian who loves her Mom and Dad. Cheesy? Yup. But true.
Themed days mentioned:
International Workers Day
Global Love Day
Life Insurance Day
World password Day
No Pants Day (first Friday of May)
Two Different Coloured Shoes Day
Candied Orange Peel Day
World Naked Gardening Day
International Sauvignon Blanc Day
Chocolate Custard Day
World Laughter Day
Crêpes Suzette Day
No Diet Day
Red Cross Day
Coconut Cream Pie Day
Lost Sock Day
Butter Scotch Brownie Day
Lost Sock Memorial Day
Clean Your Room Day
Sonia’s Mom’s Birthday
Sonia’s parents Anniversary
Mother’s Day in most Spanish speaking countries
Eat what you want Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day
Nutty Fudge Day
Apple Pie Day
World Cocktail Day
Chocolate Chip Cookie Day
Devil’s Food Cake Day
End of the World Day
Vanilla Pudding Day
Blueberry Cheesecake Day
Put a Pillow on Your Fridge Day
International United Nations Peacekeepers Day