New Year’s Resolutions? Cry Uncle!

New Year’s Resolutions? Cry Uncle!

One of January’s bummers is that it brings in the New Year … with the OLD YOU. It has others, like running out of Prosecco, or realizing you’ve watched Netflix in its totality, but the OLD YOU is never a good look. Not after the festive season’s grueling ‘drink-a-thon’ and ‘all-you-can-eat-marathon’ which I can humbly say are my special areas of expertise. I look like the Michelin Man after he has let himself go.

Remember that old saying ‘Everywhere you go … there you are’? Well that includes the New Year. And quite frankly I don’t want to share this sparkling New Year with the OLD ME. New Year deserves something better. I deserve something better! A thinner, smarter, prettier, younger, non-smoking, non-judgemental (there’s so many idiotic jerks out there!) … kinder, more charitable, compassionate, considerate, generous, impartial, wonderful, better ME. Come to think of it … someone else would do just fine. Maybe I should become a Hindu and await death. 

I’m not alone. All my friends and family want … me to get a NEW ME. And they’re not shy about expressing their opinion, especially the aunties on my mother’s side who make Macbeth’s witches look like Goldilocks:

‘You smoke too much…’, ‘You old!’, ‘You spinster you wanna break your mother’s heart’, ‘You go to Brazil.. get a total lift…like me!’. That’s my Aunt Consuelo (her real name). She’s been lifted so much her chin is in line with her eyebrows.

I have no choice but to create a NEW ME, which is where New Year’s Resolutions come in. These self-imposed objectives are a true blessing! All you do is announce them and your family will greet you with a mix of admiration and pride! Just kidding. My family are disinterested and deep down know that I won’t keep them. But at least you can greet yourself every morning with admiration and pride! I certainly do! OK the Carajillo (coffee and anise) helps. 

So … how to define your very own NYRs? It’s easy! Unlike work objectives which have to be Measurable, Achievable and Realistic, your NYRs can be completely outlandish, impossible to achieve and non-realistic! ‘I will win this year’s Pulitzer prize’ carries as much weight as ‘I will lose two stone’ (pardon the pun) and is probably much more achievable. Guess I better start writing that novel.

The simplest method is called ‘Copy and Paste’. Just copy last year’s NYRs and add more pounds. It works wonders! By late February everyone will have forgotten how much weight you wanted to lose, including you! And if you’re really adamant about the weight thing, there’s always dextroamphetamine (aka speed). No one will dare blame you for breaking the law when your weight is at stake. 

Next, is the tried and tested ‘Be the Best You Can Be’, which could sound challenging to any newbie! However, a slight word alteration and it becomes ‘Be the Worst You Can Be’ making it easy to accomplish and a lot more fun too!

Then there’s the method everyone’s raving about, ‘The Brexit Way’. Here you spend all year negotiating with yourself and end up doing nothing. Be careful not to practice this in front of your friends as it they will promptly ask you to ‘LEAVE’ the party.

Finally, the NYRs my dodgy uncle (everyone’s got one) swears by and renews every year. More than resolutions they are a way of life. He might be flawed, but he’s happy and lives life to the fullest:

‘Be patient and bide your time’ ‘take what life has to offer’ (from his prison time for burglary).

‘Whatever you do, do it with passion’ (from cheating on my aunt).

‘I drink, therefore I am’ (drunk philosopher) …

I’ll drink to that.

Sonia Aste is a writer, comedian and loves her uncle.

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