Santa the Dictator
How Sneaky Santa has Conned Us
I was 8 years old when I found out Santa was a nasty man. It was the year I asked for a poodle and got a pink stuffed one. I hate pink.
When I started crying my mom explained Santa couldn’t bring ‘real’ dogs because the trip was too long. This dried my tears until my cousin Paquito arrived with the live puppy Santa had left him. Something was terribly wrong. Santa had favourites.
If I needed any more convincing, my cousin Tomasita who’s Daddy was ‘far away on a trip’ (aka prison) didn’t get anything from Santa and I was forced to share my pink poodle with her, which to this day I recent. As for Santa – well it’s no secret he’s always favoured the rich.
For the record I am not dissing Santa. Children need him. Those little critters deserve some happiness before entering the industrial line of school, work, retirement, few rounds of golf and death. More than that, parents need him now that spanking is (regrettably) frowned upon. A sharp ‘Santa won’t bring you anything!’ is more effective than Super Nanny’s ‘naughty step’, which only works on TV, or in the context of kinky adult sex.
However there are concerns about the guy and ever since the poodle incident I have been keeping tabs. I’ve come to the sad conclusion he’s a dictator with one of the longest rules known to mankind. I know many of you are shaking your Christmas Spirited heads in denial, but let’s look at some of his shenanigans which are common to all dictators:
- Self-appointed leader – and no governing body to check his power. Have you ever heard of Santa Elections? Nope. Attempts from Catholic countries to get the Three Wise Men elected have failed miserably. Reliable sources (elves that work in his sweatshop) say Santa spreads rumours those ‘old goats’ (meaning the 3 wise ones) only give gold, frankincense and myrrh. Children, of course, want toys. And what the hell is myrrh?
- Cult of his persona – fostering a form of hero worship in which the masses are conned into believing he’s divine. It’s like schoolchildren in North Korea who are taught to think Kim Jong-un is the source if all good. We’re brainwashed with songs like ‘Here Comes Santa Claus’ or the very disturbing ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’, which leads to the next point.
- Spies on his people – to retain his power and make sure there are no dissidents. Take a look at ‘Santa coming to town’ lyrics: ‘He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!’ That’s East German Stasis tactics! You better watch out!’
- Controls mass media – this guy’s everywhere! Remember Saddam Hussein’s Iraq? Full of statues, murals, posters and paintings bearing his image? Well that’s nothing compared to Santa who’s even managed to get into Starbucks cookies. We are literally swallowing his lies! In the past his propaganda was restricted to December but now it’s out as early as September! In some places his cult runs so deep Christmas Shops are open all year around. These are his weapons of mass seduction!
- Military Costume – here you have to take your Santa hat off, because who thinks a red outfit is anything but cute? Look at the Royal Canadian Mounted Police … I mean they are just adorable! That red uniform is sneaky Santa at his best. If that’s not enough, he’s also managed to have that one event common in the best of dictatorships: The PARADE, in this case The Christmas Parade .
So here we stand – under the rule of a narcissist that has his name and face printed everywhere, elves working in inhumane conditions (OK, they aren’t human, but still) and reindeer forced to do things unnatural to them (like flying?). Where’s the RSPCA when you need them?
It’s time to take the reindeer by the horns!
I’m officially announcing my candidacy: Sonia for Santa!
Vote for me! And have yourself a Very Merry Christmas.
Sonia is a writer and comedian who’s running for Santa.